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"What is important is the general principle:
that sexuality, like any other aspect of life, can be
made enjoyable if we are willing to take control of
it, and cultivate it in the direction of greater complexity."
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
Where to find a mate?
There are many places to find a mate:
- within your local BDSM scene or community
- fetish nights & play party's
- munches
- discussion groups
- special events
- on-line personals: community and commercial
- telephone personals
- alternative sexuality magazines and papers
- through friends
- local alternative papers in the classifieds section
There are many places to find a mate. The best choice
depends on you! Have you been told you have a great
voice? Sign up to a tele personals service. Have you
been told you write very well? Check out some papers
and create an ad for the classifieds section. Verbose?
Go spill your inner soul (like I have many of time!
;) ) on a website or a service dedicated to on-line
ads. Like to socialize with people real time? Check
out a munch. A bit shy but still want to try? Take the
plunge and go to a fetish night (it's not as scary as
your imagination might think!) or play party. Got it
all? Do it all! :)
And don't forget about making friends! With EVERYONE
- dom's, sub's, switches, lurkers! There is nothing
more annoying than someone coming into the scene to
"just" find a mate and ignoring everyone on
the way like it's "just a meat market". You
never know, some of those people could introduce you
to your future soulmate and hook you up to the underground
scene!
Newsgroups:
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Personal Ads: Creating and replying!
| Do |
Don't |
- be creative
- be honest
- show your uniqueness
- list both vanilla (non kinky regular interests)
& some BDSM interests
- be realistic
- be clear in your goals and objectives
- select only those people who you think you
will have a great fit and tailor a message to
them specifically!
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- lie (it will come to haunt you later on!)
- respond to ads using a form letter - be selective
and original
- focus on sex or BDSM only (unless the venue,
person, group is targeted to ONLY that)
- reply to someone who can't listen and doesn't
want to get to know you
- don't lie about things that you figure society
and the person you want to get to know would
have a problem with... things like: your marital
status, your children, your joblessness, your
excess weight, balding head of hair - you know
the drill ;). (transsexual status is a slightly
different issue that I might bring up down the
road in an article)
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It's all about you!
"Know Thyself ...the unexamined life is not
worth living.” Socrates
What are you goals? What makes you so special? What's
your history? What mistakes have you made and how have
you learned from them? What makes you tick? What's your
personality style? What's really awesome about you?
What are your strengths? How are you wired? If you don't
know, how are you suppose to attract the mate of your
life?
There are a lot of people out there who are sleeping.
If you just show people the mediocre side of you - they
are less likely to be interested (even if they, themselves
are mediocre!). So, what's so hot about you? :) If there
isn't anything hot about you - it might be time
to: take some courses and learning something new, read
some books, take up a sport and be creative. :)
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It's all about them!
Ask a LOT of questions
Let's hope you have done some searching
of your inner workings and "you" know "you"
and now it's time to make a good effort to know how
"they" are!
BDSM(Sexual)
- What is your ideal d/s relationship?
- Where will you play? Home, hotel, fetish party?
- Have you been tested for HIV & STD's? If so,
do you have the results?
- Are you emotionally available?
- What are your main BDSM, d/s sexual interests?
- What do you think the role of the dominant is? What
do you think the role of the submissive is?
- What level of sexual experience do you have?
- What are your three best submissive/dominant qualities?
What are your three worst submissive/dominant qualities?
- Do you enjoy oral, bondage, foot worship, and servitude
(housecleaning, errands, chauffeuring)?
- Are you willing to go into a time limited, discussed
slave contract?
- Have you ever had a Master/Mistress train you? Have
you ever trained a sub/slave?
Vanilla(Non sexual)
- What are your hobbies, interests outside of d/s?
- What's your marital status? Are you attached?
- Are you creative, artistic?
- Are you capable of a long-term monogamous relationship?
- When was your last relationship?
- What were your vanilla relationships like?
- What are your three best vanilla qualities? What
are your three worst vanilla qualities?
- How do you spend your alone time? Your social time?
- How are your relations to friends and family?
Suggestions
- Ask questions that will be relevant to you in both
the near & far future.
- Include both vanilla(ordinary life) & BDSM related
questions.
- Ask deep questions of feelings and thoughts of subjects/ideas
that are very important to you.
- Make sure your needs and wants will be filled by
asking questions related to them.
- Try to keep your questions down to about 20. Ten
sexual and 10 non sexual.
Note:
- These questions will generate a lot of discussion.
Be prepared to spend at least 1-4 hours.
- In the beginning stages, many people will only answer
the questions you ask. They will not offer information
that they think you may not approve of. Make sure
you ask questions that are very important to you!
Ones that if an answer you deem is seriously negative,
you have a chance to remove yourself from the process
or discuss the issue. Keep in mind that you may want
to compromise with the person - on some less important
issues - if most of the other questions are - in your
opinion - positively answered.
Take your time. Try not to rush.
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Be flexible but don't settle!
I will let you in on a little known fact: I haven't
been able to have a longer than 2 year relationship
with a submissive identified male. That's probably what
can give me such a wide perspective on the things I
write about. ;) For whatever reasons, it just wasn't
in the cards for me. I kept pushing it but one day I
said, "enough is enough" and I'm now happily
affianced to a beautifully assertive dominant man. That
doesn't mean I'm no longer dominant though. I have a
dominant spirit and there isn't anything anyone can
do to change that. I'm hard wired!... but in our case,
"two dominants are better than one" and maybe
in time we will both start playing with submissives
but we will ALWAYS be devoted to each other!
I have heard stories of friends who couldn't find the
"perfect master" and settled in on becoming
a Master themselves. Don't limit yourself when you are
looking for kink and love! And remember it's a person
or relationship first! People are not pieces of meat
or doormats...
So I was flexible but what I didn't settle
on was personality.
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Warning:
There is no "one true way", if anyone tells
you that - send them here! :)
When I first started dating in the scene I let myself
be goaded into performing the "cold bitch mistress".
I wanted a lover, best friend and slave and I was the
furthest from a 24/7 bitch but I do enjoy playing the
part from time-to-time.
At the time I set up an "interviewing system"
because I like systems, there were so many subs bekoning
my attention and it was a Mistressy way of approaching
a supplicant! So here it is... excuse me while I cringe...
:)
Possible Interview Style for the Hardcore! :)
This is where you learn about what both parties have
to offer to the relationship. Where you find out if
you are a good fit! Since these types of relationships
require much training and investment, both parties will
want to ensure - as much as possible - that their efforts
will not be in vain. Approach the application and interview
process as if you were a prospective employer or employee.
In my opinion four contacts should be achieved in order
to get the best results. They are as follows: First
Contact(Making contact via various methods after placing
or reading a personal ad), Second/Third Contacts(Asking
questions and discussing qualifications and assets in
greater detail), Fourth Contact(The contractual agreement).
Please see below for suggestions on how to approach
each kind of contact.
¦¦¦¦¦First Contact¦¦¦¦¦(sounds
like Star Trek *giggles*)
It is assumed that some information has already been
exchanged and that at least one party is interested
in the other for whatever reasons. Ideally the first
contact is best to be light and brief; however, you
still need to get your most important questions answered
and/or give your most important information! During
the first contact pay particular attention to tone,
demeanour, grooming and general aura of the applicant(submissive)
or the employer(dominant). It is wise that both dominant,
and submissive ask questions especially during the first
contact.
- Application via email, phone, or person-to-person.
For application ideas click here---»»Questions
¦¦¦¦Second Contact¦¦¦¦¦
Assuming that the first contact went well, you will
want to meet again to discuss more detailed information.
This information is important; however, you may be able
to compromise or negotiate on the information gathered
in this meeting. The questions/answered are of less
importance than in the first contact but are still important.
- Submissive fills out a checklist. For sample checklist
click here---»»Checklist
- Submissive fills out negotiation form. For sample
negotiation click here---»»Limits
& This
includes Questions & Checklist
||¦¦¦Third contact||¦¦¦
It's the dominant's turn!
Assuming that the first contact went well, you will
want to meet again to discuss more detailed information.
This information is important; however, you may be able
to compromise on the information gathered in this meeting.
The questions/answered are of less importance than in
the first contact but are still important.
- Dominant fills out a checklist. For sample checklist
click here---»»Checklist
- Dominant fills out a negotiation form. For sample
negotiation form click here--»»Limits
& This
includes Questions & Checklist
¦¦¦¦¦FourthContact¦¦¦¦¦
This is where you offer your services and/or offer
your employment. This is where you lay out the role
& responsibilities of each other. It is generally
for a certain period of time. Great responsibility comes
when you accept or offer a contract. Make this decision
carefully; however keeep in mind, it is not legally
binding. At the contract stage each party should exchange
legal information about themselves, such as drivers
license, place of address, other employment(outside
of BDSM) and so on.
- The contract - Acceptance of taking on a submissive,
etc.! For a sample contract click here---»»Cyber
- Long distance & A
Contract by Jack Rinella
¦¦Notes¦¦ Ideally the interview
process should be conpleted in four stages; however,
some may feel more comfortable lumping it up into two
stages. But, what's the hurry? Here are some reasons
why the process should happen over a period of time:
- It gives you a chance to get comfortable with each
other.
- It gives you a chance to understand where the person
is coming from.
- It gives you a chance to bow out gracefully.
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Play Safety
This list in not exhaustive!
- Ensure you have a silent alarm for the first couple
of times that you play or for ever long you need to
until you feel comfotable. A silent alarm is when
you advise a person(who you will not be playing with)
to be available at a certain time to either receive
a phone call from you or pick you up at a certain
time. This person would also know where you are located
and the person's details that you are seeing. You
would also call this person when you got to your location.
During both phone calls you would use an agreed upon
word or phrase that means "all is well". For example:
"The room has great colours" or "The bed is queen
size!" etc. If "all is not well", you may say "The
colours are not the best in the room" or "Remember
that we are going for cofee tommorrow". At that point
your silent alarm will know there is something seriously
wrong and will want to call 911. Tell your play partner
about your silent alarm. If your play partner gets
upset with you about it or tells you to call it off,
don't play with them.
- Meet in public places and get a better feel for
them. Perhaps even meeting with their freinds and
family. A person who has nothing to worry about, won't
tell you to call off a silent alarm. Be very wary
of that, but also ask them "why". In addition, when
someone knows that you have a silent alarm they are
less likey to cause harm since they know that they
are being watched.
- I would suggest that you play for only short periods
of time in the beginning, leaving out more serious
kinds of play such as breath control, "can't get free"
bondage, and the like.
- Make sure you are both tested for HIV, STD's and
that you exchange this information to each other.
It can take up to one month for test results to come
back, so test early!
- Exchange legal & personal information about
yourselves, such as drivers license, place of address,
other employment(outside of BDSM) and so on.
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